I was Orthodox for 20 years. I joined the Church while doing my undergrad at Oral Roberts University. I was all-in, finishing my undergrad, doing my Master's in Orthodox Theology through the Antiochian House of Studies and the University of Balamand. I was ordained as a Deacon and served as a Deacon for over 5 years.
Beginning to Question
My questioning of Orthodoxy started when we had a Lebanese parishioner murdered as a hate crime. It got international attention, and the city of Tulsa came together. There was a candlelight vigil where members of the community and various faith communities came together to talk about unity and speaking out against hate. No one from our parish or the Orthodox community participated. To me, this was a great opportunity to preach Christ as the only real answer to hate and racism and the unity and reconciliation of humanity we have in Christ (all the other solutions really lack anything concrete to bring humanity together).
The reason we weren't involved was because other faiths would be there and would be praying, and we don't pray with others. I began to see problems with isolationism.
Growing Concerns
This continued to grow because my wife and I were involved in a few groups that helped women who found themselves with unplanned pregnancies. Despite our Church's pro-life stance, I didn't see our parishes or members of those communities involved in actually serving or helping people. The same goes for the homeless shelter in town and our food banks.
I was reading a lot of St. Maria of Paris at the time and was really convicted by how pure her view of answering Christ's call to tend the needy, feed the homeless, visit the sick and imprisoned, and take care of the widow and orphan. That was something we weren't doing. Our fundraising was all focused internally - all the parishes I knew of had food festivals and the proceeds from that went to building improvements, operating expenses, etc. I saw a lot of Evangelical, Catholic, and Anglican/TEC churches serving the community - many of which weren't any larger than our Orthodox parishes.
St. Maria of Paris
A couple of quotes that really struck me from St. Maria and got me thinking were:
"Our neighbor's cross should be a sword that pierces our soul. To co-participate, co-feel, co-suffer, with our neighbor's destiny – this is love."
"The way to God lies through love of people. At the Last Judgment I shall not be asked whether I was successful in my ascetic exercises, nor how many bows and prostrations I made. Instead I shall be asked, Did I feed the hungry, clothe the naked, visit the sick and the prisoners. That is all I shall be asked. About every poor, hungry and imprisoned person the Savior says 'I': 'I was hungry and thirsty, I was sick and in prison.' To think that he puts an equal sign between himself and anyone in need…. I always knew it, but now it has somehow penetrated to my sinews. It fills me with awe."
COVID Hits
Around the same time, Covid hit and unfortunately, I was connected to some folks who suffered quite badly from the virus early on (I was in contact with the first person in the US diagnosed who was intubated and had to be isolated for 3 weeks to see if I got sick). I was concerned with our openness and honesty about the way the virus was affecting parishes.
I know this may not matter to many people, but when I learned we had priests, bishops, and large portions of parishes infected, and we didn't ask for prayers or make these public, it troubled me. Keep in mind, emails are usually sent out when bishops are ill to ask for prayers and this didn't happen.
There were dioceses and parishes that were using multiple spoons and soaking them in between communicants to keep clean and kill germs or using spoons that could be used one-time and burned. Our Metropolitan refused this idea and insisted on shared spoons despite the risk. This led me to learn that the use of spoons were much, much later than I had assumed (started in Palestine in the 7th century but not universally adopted until the 11th century). How could such a late addition, not tied to any theological import, be so important?
My Daughter's Heart
Then came the issue of my kiddo. My parish was closed when our priest was sick and we were watching another parish on streaming service. She asked, "Daddy, when we go back, can I help you and Fr George like those boys," talking about the altar servers. I deflected and went about, but it bothered me that I was going to have to tell her she couldn't go behind the iconostasis and serve.
So I researched to find out when that rule was introduced and I found one reference to the Synod of Laodicea, but not much else. Then also noting that women in many parishes I visited were allowed behind the iconostasis to clean or serve when in a female monastery didn't feel like the spirit of the law was being followed. Plus I served in parishes that let non-orthodox in the altar for weddings. I began to feel as though the Orthodox Church was looking for reasons to exclude people, and that didn't sit right with me.
At a Crossroads
So I was at a pivotal crossroads and I began to earnestly pray. I could be a part of a church that was so concerned with correct doctrine and practice but neglected the "love your neighbor" thing, or somewhere that may err in other ways but worked hard to serve those in need and welcome people to Christ.
When I stand before Christ's dread judgement seat, I want to tell my Lord I tried to live a life of love.
About Thom Crowe
Thom was ordained a deacon in the Orthodox Church before joining the Anglican tradition, works in tech marketing marketing, is dad to a sweet little girl, and husband to a great wife who runs the Made Shop. He's an avid reader, beer aficionado, lover of theology and history, and insufferable coffee snob. Thom says he has a pretty happy life in Tulsa, OK.